I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
