butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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