I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
