i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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