im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
