went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
