As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think my moral compass just broke
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
