she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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