just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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