i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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