Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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