ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
