I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
