i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh god was she eating orange peels again
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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