i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
