saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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