She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
