I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
