There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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