pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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