god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
