Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
