im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
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what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
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No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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