Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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