every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
