Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
