dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
