I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
