I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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