I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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