how can u be prego again
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
