you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
