look no pants
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
