Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
