I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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