Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
