I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You ruined the universe
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
