Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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