Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
