so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want to make out with him forever
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
