I seem to have left my pride at pride
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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