He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
