Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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