I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
