2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
