oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
