plz talk dirty to me
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
