How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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