I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
