You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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