community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
