I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
