captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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