Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
