my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
