So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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