While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
