She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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