Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
