Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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