i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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