ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
